Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
It's 11:30PM.
The library is bustling with people.
Nerves are shot.
Finals are quickly approaching and there's no time to accomplish everything.
Coffee stains bleed into study guides.
Red Bull cans hastily tossed all over the floor.
It's 1PM.
The restaurant is overflowing out the door with hungry customers.
Businessmen impatiently looking at their watches.
Baby carriages block the aisles.
Cashiers rapidly count out the correct change before the insults lodge at them.
"Hey! Do your job right!"
It's 8:15AM.
The train station is overcrowded and it's pouring outside.
Commuters desperate to make it to work on time.
Pushing and shoving come with the territory.
A man carrying a briefcase with resumes, praying that he gets the job.
A woman attempting to keep her extra large coffee from spilling on the ground.
How much time do we have in life?
How much time is left until we have no time?
It's 2:45AM.
Machines loudly beeping.
Doctors pace back and forth on the floor.
A breathing mask placed strategically on the patient.
Heartbeats slowing down to a stop.
There's no time left.
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
Tick...
this poem is absolutely beautiful! I feel like the second to last stanza is unnecessary. you end each stanza with "So much to do. So little time." so the second to last stanza is just superfluous. I love the way you write tick tock. between each stanza and the way you use it at the end. I think you could do more show don't tell. but over all thumbs up!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great poem!! Your signature italics work here in a really musical way, making that "Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock." the refrain that we come back to through each scene. One effect that had on my reading of the poem was to pace my reading of it in the way that line breaks can. It forces me to slow down, because not only do these 4 words separate each stanza but a period separates the tick from the tock and a line break further seperates them. That adds a profound experiential layer to this poem, making the reader subject to time, that is really genius.
ReplyDeleteI also like the way you start with the finals scene and slowly zoom out into more real life vignettes, from the school library to a restaurant to a train station to a hospital room, putting finals stress into context in a way that says "calm down. this is your life, so take it slow."
I think there's a little bit of pruning that can be done to let your poem make the powerhouse impact that it wants to. I think the poem would benefit from cutting the "It's" from each of the times listed that begins a stanza, so it reads "11:30 P.M. The library is bustling with people" "1 P.M. The restaurant is overflowing..." Also maybe cutting some superfluous "The"'s
I really like the natural voice you carry in each of your poems, and I think the little words like "so" really add to that, but this poem seems to me to want to be read in a much more tight format; it adds to the urgency, the rhythm of time. So the first stanza might read:
"11:30 P.M.
Library bustling with people
Nerves shot
Finals quickly approaching, just no time"
Or something like that. Just to make it more concise and tight. I also agree with Batsheva about the second to last stanza: I think that's the message we walk away with without it having to be said. The imagery speaks for itself.
Love this!!
This is a perfect poem for this time of the year. Thank you for capitalizing on basically all of my emotions this finals season.
ReplyDeleteI like this poem because you set up a rhythm for it from the start. The clock is int he background of my head during the entirety of the poem and I can’t help but feel like my heart is beating a little faster, thinking about time running out. AH!
And then the poem takes a turn. You bring up the heartbeat slowing to a stop. Someone is dying. Time has run out.
Your shift from finals to job to eventually, human life is done very well. It is jarring, which is effective. The ending is eerie because of this. The tick tock at the end really drives this home, so I liked that.
The only thing I’d really change is the title. I feel like you can go for something less obvious. Maybe something like “Running Out.” I don’t know. I will think about it
so i absolutely adore this and it may be one of my favorites of yours
ReplyDeleteI love how it goes backwards through a day and runs through less and less mundane examples of how little time we have here and by building to that makes its point all the more poignant. i think you took a common thought and expressed it in an awesome, beautiful, and original way
okay on to more specifics - woot woot
"Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock."
I love that you begin with a sensory experience and i like that its sound specifically because its different and gets you ready for a piece on the pressures of time
"It's 11:30PM.
The library is bustling with people.
Nerves are shot.
Finals are quickly approaching and there's no time to accomplish everything.
Coffee stains bleed into study guides.
Red Bull cans hastily tossed all over the floor."
I have mixed feelings about the line "nerves are shot" bc its seems abruptly short in this poem which can lead to a bit of awkwardness but it also can be demonstrative about how short the rope the narrator on is at this point. Especially in comparison to how long the following line is, they end of feeling off balance. But, again, that may be an artistic choice and i cant decide. I love the image of the coffee stains on the study guides. so perfect. i also love how that followed by redbull cans to show to the exact lengths the narrator has gone to to stay awake. my one question is if there would be cans on the floor of a library?
"It's 1PM.
The restaurant is overflowing out the door with hungry customers.
Businessmen impatiently looking at their watches.
Baby carriages block the aisles.
Cashiers rapidly count out the correct change before the insults lodge at them.
"Hey! Do your job right!""
I totally love the detail this scene is painted in in a few brief lines. there are just two phrases that seem to stand out as awkward to me; "overflowing out the door" - i think feels a bit redundant and would be more succinct with just one of those descriptors - and "the insults lodged at them" just throws me off grammatically and thus confuses me in regards to what youre saying. I think youre saying they count the change before the insults register with them (hey maybe you could make a play on words about money from the register before the words register lol) but the word lodge throws me off as of now
"How much time do we have in life?
How much time is left until we have no time?"
*slow clap*
I think at first read these lines may sound a little simple but i think both due to the fact that they are the crutch of such a deep and intricate poem and bc of the word repition it actually totally works and i really like it
"It's 2:45AM.
Machines loudly beeping.
Doctors pace back and forth on the floor.
A breathing mask placed strategically on the patient.
Heartbeats slowing down to a stop."
literally my only comment is that generally doctors arent the ones pacing bc pacing implies waiting nervously when they are usually the ones acting trying to save the patient while the family waits. in general i thing this poem is a beautiful "kicker" description to end the poem on
"There's no time left.
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
Tick..."
i love how this ending both parallels the opening and references that middle stanza that really brings the whole poem together and is a really strong ending. especially with the ellipses feeling like the final death beats of a heart monitor
No words for how much I enjoyed reading this. It was depictive, the definition of show don't tell, and had a great pace at which it progressed. I also feel like i hear the clock in my head tick tocking as I read this. I really loved the line "Coffee stains bleed into study guides." so clever and well worded. I definitely one of your best poems, if not the best. You also managed to shift from finals to life is done incredibly well. I can almost hear the heart bate slowing to a stop. Also really loved the ending, it was strong and purposeful and felt like the final beats of the heart monitor. I felt my knuckles clenching while reading the last stanza and tick-tock that followed
ReplyDelete"Machines loudly beeping.
Doctors pace back and forth on the floor.
A breathing mask placed strategically on the patient.
Heartbeats slowing down to a stop.
There's no time left.
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
Tick..."
The fact that you also ended it on Tick... gave me the chills. Such an incredible poem! I'm rlly wowed!