The Unknown
I try to walk along the open road
Obscure, pitch black, afraid of what's ahead
There is a fear I feel within my bones
Emotions are swirling, eyes seeing red
Igaze out to my left and to my right
Attempting to read the blurry street signs
I glance at my watch - it is past midnight
I wonder if I ever cross his mind
The tears start pouring down my hollowed face
A storm is brewing, a true sense of the word
It is the one reaction to this state
Trying to be seen, trying to be heard
So this is what it's like to walk alone
Down the road, on the edge of unknown
The imagery and emotion complement each other well here. The hazy, night walk is a powerful metaphor for "trying to be seen, trying to be heard"
ReplyDeleteTo help the iambic pentameter (stresses and rhythm) along maybe these can help:
Line 1: "I walk alone along the open road"
Line 2: "A blackened gloom and fear of what's ahead" (or changing the fear/afraid word entirely because of the third line)
Line 4: "Emotions swirl as eyes are seeing red"
....
I don't dislike the imagery of tears in this case, especially since they come "down my hollowed face", but maybe there's a more indirect, interesting way to say it? Eyes burning or melting, etc
I like the direction this poem is going!
You painted a really vivid and moving scene here. I think there are a few lines that aren't cliche, per se, but more that i know i could see more of your original spin on them and i really want to because you're eye is awesome. It also feels a little reminiscent of boulevard of broken dreams by green day which i personally love and from the opening lien got me into the mindset and vibe of that mood which matches that of your poem, so A+.
ReplyDeleteThis poem expresses the pain and confusion of being ignored and misunderstood through the metaphor of walking alone down a dark road.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I immediately thought of the song "A Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day, which Eli, I see you did also. Not sure if that's what you're going for, but I did like, and the vibe of the song fits with the mood of your poem.
Was this poem inspired by a poet? If so, which one?
Also, is it supposed to be in iambic pentameter? There are a few lines which indicate that, but some other lines don't follow iambic pentameter. Therefore, I'm hesitant to play around with any words and suggest any cuts outs or additions before I know the rules of your poem.
Maybe choose a less abstract word than emotions in "emotions are swirling."
I liked the description "hollowed face."
I didn't understand this line, "A storm brewing, a true sense of the word." Why is it the truest sense of the word?
Also, maybe steer away from tears. Professor Miller finds them 'cheesy', though they provide an accurate description/ outlet for the speaker's feelings.
I liked the experimentation with the structure and the placement of the couplet in the middle of the page. The placement of the couplet drew attention to it and made it more powerful.
I also like the picture you used.
Good job.
There's really great scene-setting and tone-setting in this poem. I really felt the sense of loneliness and tumultuousness--even despair.
ReplyDeleteI found the metaphor and most of the imagery very effective.
I'm assuming, like Talia, that this is meant to be a sonnet in iambic pentameter. On that assumption, I'd like to make some suggestions on more individual lines to bring them more in line with iambic pentameter (since I have no Green Day related insights).
I look aside to left, I look to right
Attempt to read the blurry words on signs
OR Attempt to read the blurred words on street signs
I glance at my wristwatch, it's past midnight
OR I glance upon my watch it's past midnight
(the problem here is that midnight is stressed-unstressed)
so, for a solution that cuts midnight to "night":
I glance upon my watch I've halved the night
(maybe a bit of a roundabout way of saying midnight, but it is a poem...)
"Tears" is stressed...so how about
The tears begin to carve my hollowed face
I also really like the imagery of a "hollowed face" and as Gabriella mentioned, tears can potentially be cliche...which is why I think having the tears be the agent which carve the face to achieve the result of being hollowed might be interesting
A storm is brewing, true sense of the word
The only good reaction to this state
Of trying to be seen and to be heard
On down a road, the edge of an unknown
"As I walk along on the open road
ReplyDeleteGloomy, pitch black, afraid of what's ahead
There is a fear I feel within my bones
Emotions are swirling, eyes seeing red"
I really like the abab rhyme here and how for the 'a' lines you used on off rhyme by playing up the assonance and it ends up having this lovely musicality to it
"I look to my left, I look to my right
Attempting to read the blurry street signs
I glance at my watch - it is past midnight
I wonder if I ever cross his mind"
These lines also have a beautiful musicality but since youve already paired up assonance/off rhyme to complete the abab pattern and all 4 lines end with similar sounds it both gets this extra dose of fluidity which rolls right of the metaphorical tongue but also consequently breaks the rhythmic flow of the poem
"Tears start pouring down my hollowed face
A storm brewing, a true sense of the word
It's the only reaction to this state
Trying to be seen, trying to be heard"
These lines express the emotion that the previous stanzas have built through scenic building and it is so poignant and true but i think there are a couple of words that distract from the awesome sentiment youre getting at. the first is "down" in "pour down my face" bc it just feels extra bc generally things pour down and it would just feel more concise without it. The other things are more just questions i have about word choice; when yuo say a true sense of the word what word are your referring to? that isnt so clear to me. also is there another way you could express trying to be seen and/or heard just bc those to passive verbs in succession are a bit common
"So this is what it's like walking alone
Down a road, on the edge of an unknown"
i really love this conclusion! this whole poem is raw emotion as expressed through experience and i think this sums that up beautifully by taking a step back out from this experience and saying how this isnt a singular experience (woo phenomenology) but a horrible one the narrator had heard about and hoped would never have to go through themself but sadly did in the end