Theme For Poetry
After Langston Hughes
My teacher said to me,
"Go to your dorm room and write
a poem tonight.
Let the words flow out of you.
Let them ring true."
Is that the truth? Is it really that easy?
I'm twenty-two, born and raised in Cedarhurst.
I'm graduating in just a short while, from Yeshiva University
in the middle of Midtown.
(I'm pretty sure I'm the only twin in this poetry class)
I cross Lexington, Park, possibly stop for an iced caramel macchiato
from Starbucks on the corner,
to the middle of 34th and Madison, where I trudge up the stairs
to my messy bed, plop down and start to write.
I'm never sure what is true, if this is between me and you.
I see New York. I feel New York.
But do I see myself in all these blinding lights? Can I find myself
while lying here, wide awake, in the heart of Manhattan?
Who am I?
My love of coffee? My fear of falling in love?
My attempt to find the meaning of life?
(emphasis on attempt)
My love of cooking to relax after a long day's work?
I would love a car for graduation
to drive and play all the music I love -
Harry Styles, Panic! At the Disco, Aaron Tveit.
Maybe a Beatles song or two.
Just something to jam out to while on the open road.
What else will bring this poem to life?
My anxiety? My complex of letting others scrutinize my soul?
I ponder whether those elements will read between the lines.
What will my poem read like?
Being me, it won't be perfect.
Nobody is perfect.
I learn from you, you learn from me.
This is my theme for Poetry.
I really enjoyed the opening lines of this poem--they felt so natural and really captured the struggle between how fluid poetry often feels vs how difficult it can sometimes be to write it. I also found it interesting to see themes reappearing from other poems of yours--the constant search for self-definition and self-expression.
ReplyDelete(Is there a word missing from the line "I'm trying understand"--is it meant to be "I'm trying to understand" ?)
Just a thought--would you consider messing a bit with the order i.e. transition from the classroom to the line "Is that true? Is it really that easy?" (as you already have it) then to the walk to the dorm, and once there start the self-reflection (I'm 22...)
(Also the line "in the middle of Midtown Manhattan feels like a bit of a mouthful--maybe shorten to "in the middle of Midtown"--this way it also doesn't feel like being given map coordinates).
Another thought I had was after the question "who am I?" instead of transitioning with "the basics"--which indicates an "about who I am" type of answer--consider writing in a way that directly answers the question "who am I?' with "I am x" (I, naturally, being the speaker of the poem, who in no way, shape, or form remotely resembles you).
consider something like the following:
Who am I?
Am I my love for coffee?
My fear of falling in love?
My attempt to understand the meaning of life?
(Attempt, only)
I would love a car for graduation
to drive to all the places I want to be
and play all the music I like
etc.
In the line "I'm wondering what else will bring this poem to life"--the words "I'm wondering" are unnecessary--instead, end it in a question mark--more direct.
This is an honest poem full of voice and meaning. I feel as though the speaker is talking directly to me, the reader.
ReplyDeleteMy main suggestion is to add in some more "show, don't tell," some more descriptions or specific imagery.
"Go to your dorm room and write
a poem tonight.
Let the poem flow out of you.
The words will ring true to you." - beautiful sounds, rhymes, and rhythm.
"I'm twenty-two, born and raised in Cedarhurst." - consider replacing "raised" with "bred" - it creates some alliteration that elevates this more simple, informative line.
"in the middle of Midtown." - consider replacing "middle" with a more descriptive words - some suggestions:"belly," "heart," "bustle," "throngs"...
"I cross Lexington, Park, possibly stop for a hot cup/ of Starbucks coffee on the corner," - specify the coffee, let the reader get to know you (the speaker).
"where I trudge up the stairs" - nice verb.
"I'm never sure what is true, if this is between you and me." perhaps switch "you and me" with "me and you" so "true," the end word in the first clause, rhymes with "you," the end word in the second clause.
"I see New York. I feel New York." - I like the tone in this line. It's simple and says it all.
"Can I find myself
while lying here, wide awake, in the heart of Manhattan?" - perhaps add in some of the sounds the speaker hears at night, in the heart of the city....so we can hear, imagine the city.
Some more examples of adding in more description:
"I love cooking to relax after a long day's work." - tell us what the speaker loves to cook.
"I would love a car for graduation" - tell us which car.
"Just to name a few." - this is a bit overused. Perhaps switch it to "plus some thirty others," or "I'll stop now, we don't have all day," or something to this effect.
"I ponder whether those elements will read between the lines." -I'm confused who these elements are (are they the speaker's anxiety or complex?), but I love the idea of reading between the lines and how it fits into the overall theme of discovering the speaker's self-expression.
"I learn from you, you learn from me./ This is my theme for Poetry." - beautiful sound and rhymes again - you start off and end off in a lyrical manner that ties your poem together, not only in meaning, but in sound, too.
Good job.
Very relatable poem with simplistic language that evokes a kindred spirit, amongst myself at least.
ReplyDeletefew suggestions- I thought this line was a little awk "Let the poem flow out of you." Maybe you can add a simile and compare it to something that flows..
Perhaps specify details- "I'm graduating in just a short while, from Yeshiva University
in the middle of Midtown." - when are you graduating, where in Midtown? The more images you paint, the more real if feels to the reader and you really "show" and not "tell."
(I'm pretty sure I'm the only twin in this poetry class)- I don't think that has to be in parenthesis. It can just read- "Only twin in this poetry class."
"of Starbucks coffee on the corner," - any particular flavor you like the most?
LOVE this description- " I trudge up the stairs
to my messy bed, plop down and start to write." - Would love to see more of these!
"I'm never sure what is true, if this is between you and me." _ this line slightly confused me.....
Might be sharper If you took out this line - "But that's a part of everyone.".. and just ended it off with "nobody's perfect."
Overall, great poem and I enjoyed reading it!
Your poems are usually incredibly honest and relatable but I felt that even more so in this poem. There were a lot of lines in this poem that I really admired and some that I felt could be taken out to make this amazing poem an even stronger one. I liked the opening stanza a lot and think it works very well "Go to your dorm room and write
ReplyDeletea poem tonight.
Let the poem flow out of you.
The words will ring true."
A line that didn't sit as well with me was "Nobody is perfect." I thought it was a little cliche and that the stanza would of worked better by ending it with
"But that's a part of everyone." Overall, I really did enjoy reading this and thought you did a great job!