The Real Me
I’m not a fan of feelings.
I don’t like to talk about myself.
I despise letting people in
just enough
to expose the real me.
People are aware of the basics.
I have a twin brother - the north to my south.
My hair and eye color - dark brown,
like pools of melted dark chocolate.
like pools of melted dark chocolate.
I always wear a beanie.
My love for coffee that
anchors me to the tide that is the day.
anchors me to the tide that is the day.
Some recognize the middle pieces.
I adore anything apple-cinnamon scented.
Julie Andrews is my role model.
If I could marry a man like Jack Pearson, I would.
I live by the words of my zodiac - Scorpio.
Passion. Black or white.
A living and walking mystery.
Passion. Black or white.
A living and walking mystery.
But no one knows the deep parts.
I’ve suffered from moderate anxiety
since the age of eleven.
I’ve never been on a date.
I’ve never been on a date.
The older boy I loved in high school?
He and I now yearn for the same guy.
I’m terrified of falling in love.
I fear that parts of me
will misinterpret other aspects.
Maybe the opening lines
of my autobiography
will stop my peers
from turning the rest of the pages.
I'm petrified
of my loved ones
reading my soul.
I love the structure that this poem shapes onto the page. My favorite parts are the three stanzas where you describe the most basic parts of yourself, the middle pieces that some people know, and then the deeper, which you only reveal to yourself. It was set up really nicely. This poem is very vulnerable, and I appreciate the depth of it. There are certain lines which ring as cliques when I read them, and think they could be written more powerfully. For example, "I’m scared to death," and "I’m terrified of falling in love." Although they are very beautiful thoughts, I felt that they could have been portrayed stronger, with more emotion. Based on the incredible choices of language that you used in the beginning of the poem, I know that you can do it again. I thought this was really great, I loved the idea, and the writing is simply beautiful, and inspiring. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI love the raw emotion and vulnerability here. It's so interesting how you set up that you are terrified to reveal yourself and then you do exactly that. It makes the second half all that much more real and revealing. The main thing that bothers me is the last line in the first stanza, "In the midst of your writer’s block.” I feel like it could be written more simply "to end your writers block" or something. "In the midst" just takes away from the pure simplicity of the language that comprises the rest of your poem. Really great job!
ReplyDeleteI love the strategy of using the purple lines to shape the poem- dividing up parts of yourself, like other people tend to do to us. It was great how raw you got in the descriptions of the deepest parts of yourself- absolutely love that. I feel like the very beginning watered the middle and end down though- I think you could take most of the intro out and get to the incredible parts of the poem that we start peeling back.
ReplyDelete(The above is Yael Mayer, google's not letting me post my name)
ReplyDeleteI love the ideas and the format of this poem. It gets increasingly more vulnerable, which is very brave, so thank you for sharing. I especially love the lines
ReplyDelete"The older boy I loved in high school?
He and I now yearn for the same guy.
I’m terrified of falling in love."
There's something so raw and and jarring and honest about it.
In revisions, I would suggest focusing on describing some of the images you mention. It's important that you love Broadway musicals, but what about them do you love? What does is look like to "fear the parts of me that others don't comprehend." That is such a universal yet isolating sentiment and I would love to have new words (your words) to describe it!
I have chills. This poem is amazing in so many aspects. It is well written, has great structure, is emotional, and makes the reader relate. The last line of the poem is extremely powerful. I honestly do not have any criticisms. Well done!!!
ReplyDeleteUpdated on 2/21/2018.
ReplyDeleteThis is a poem is the classic confessional mode. It's a style that first became popular in the 1950s and is still with us. It works best when we are allowed to feel close to the speaker, due to the feeling of honest vulnerability.
ReplyDeleteI do have a number of suggestions for you.
First, I would cut the entire opening stanza, which doesn't really seem necessary, as well as the last line. "I'm not a fan of feelings" is a strong opening line and makes a much better start for your poem. The last line is too blunt and "told," explaining a poem that doesn't need explanation. It's already so clear.
I agree with the comment above about editing out the more tired language and replacing it with fresher bits. Some of the phrases are too close to cliche. For example, "deep within my bones" and "scared to death" are not the strongest moments here.
My favorite part is the middle stanza about the speaker's love of musicals. I thought that could be expanded--or it could even be its own poem if you started with that and developed it. Fun stuff!
Updated 2/24/2018
ReplyDelete