Their War
She begins to hear it.
The voices.
The rumbling that shakes from the kitchen to her bedroom.
Her fogged mind from lack of sleep snaps awake.
Her satin pillow, once used for comfort, now becomes her shield.
Her buffer between paradise and the trenches.
Her weapon to defend her from the screams.
Holding back the string of curses assaulting her walls.
Will it ever stop?
The sounds start getting louder.
One decibel.
Two decibels.
Three decibels.
The shield now can't block her from it.
She runs to the bathroom and locks the door.
Her makeshift bomb shelter.
Nothing in her artillery but headphones and an iPod.
Maybe this will set her free from the never-ending battle raging through her home.
The opening chords start to play.
Drums bang. Cymbals clash.
An escape from the war that is infringing on her home territory.
But it only helps for a short while.
A piercing noise abruptly shoots through the door.
The shelter is about to become collateral damage.
What was once her homeland security is now becoming an invasion.
What was once her homeland security is now becoming an invasion.
Doors slam.
Windows thrown shut.
More meaningless words launched.
Then the word of terror.
Divorce.
All of a sudden, none of her armor can protect her.
Nothing can save her.
This is a clear metaphor, and it does a good job getting across the ravages of a fraying marriage. One thing I noticed is that in terms of the metaphor, there seems to be a switch, resulting in a minor mixed metaphor issue. While I like the second-to-last line, its reference to "artillery" doesn't fit with the previous references in the poem. Previously, the speaker refers to the shield-pillow, defenses, and a bomb shelter (all appropriate defense-oriented aspects of the analogy). But the reference to artillery implies that the daughter is the one on the offense. Artillery is offensive; it is long-range offensive bombardment. Technically, she is the victim of her parents' artillery, right? She is not the one doing the shelling. So you may want to change that.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a really great job at painting this picture, is a very unique way. My favorite parts were the following lines: "The slow rumbling that floats from the kitchen to her bedroom." you paint a clear picture of where the fight is coming from, while also adding that there is a fight happening into one line. The next line I really liked was, "More meaningless words launched." I like how you are consistent with the war metaphor throughout the poem. The word "launched," was perfectly placed. And the fact that you thought of that word (launching bombs-which cause destruction), and placed it with "meaningless words," was brilliant.
ReplyDeleteIn the last two lines of the poem, I didn't think that "all of a sudden," made sense. The entire poem was about her family slowly falling apart, as the screaming got louder and louder. So as the reader, I kind of expected there to be a consequence (divorce or separation) of the fighting. It wasn't really sudden, and it felt out of place. Other than that, this was really well done, and I enjoyed reading it. Good job!
The metaphore and imagery here were clever and concise ways to address such huge, painful, uncapturable emotions. I appreciate that you steer clear of "she feels" or "she thinks," which might seem the natural choice to describe an experience like this. Instead, which is why I found the poem so successful, you chose phrases that show attack externally, instead of her internals. For example, "her pillow, once used for comfort, now becomes her shield", "the opening chords start to play", "an escape from the war that is invading her home", "more meaningless words launched", "nothing can save her." The choice to give the objects and realities around her a life of their own, as the most active, offensive characters in this battle shows how out-of-her-control and dangerous this battle is.
ReplyDeleteI also thought you had some creative imagery:
"the slow rumbling that floats from the kitched to her bedroom"
"her pillow, once used for comfort, now becomes her shield"
"her tool to hold back the string of curses assaulting her walls"
the ascension of "one decibel. two decibels. three decibels."
"the opening chords start to play"
"more meaningless words launched"
A few things I would consider changing:
The opening line was weakened, to me, with the addition of "she begins" -- this poem is more forceful than that. I would change that to "She hears them" or "They're here."
Also, I'm not sure if the italicizing of the punchline lines is necessary. It seems like a bit of overkill, but I appreciate the art form of using different fonts to express different voices.
Great poem!
I really liked the raw emotion of this poem from the beginning but it is so much more effective now with the edits. I especially love the second stanza and how each line starts with an H word. I think your controlling metaphor is extremely successful.
ReplyDelete"But it only helps for a short while" - I dont think the "but" is necessary. Really great job!